yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
