You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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