He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize