The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
