Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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