Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
