We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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