The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
