I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
