A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
