everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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