Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
