Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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