The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I would ride that face into the sunset
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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