We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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