I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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