Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
