the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
