Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
