I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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