there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
