Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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