I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
