Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
