I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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