she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
