I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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