Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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