and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
