he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
