he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
