Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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