I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
please come you make the beer taste better
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
