So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
