i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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