i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
