Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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