My liver just broke up with me...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
