apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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