i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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