I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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