i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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