If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Watching her eat just hurts me
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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