Just fell off a train. Bad.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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