My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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