He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
