Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
