i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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