Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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