i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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