I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
