I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
