just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
where am i from again
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
