Ambien. No doubt about it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
