Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
