i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She's the barista slut.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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