That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
