I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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